It's Been Real; It's Been Fun, but it Hasn't Been Real Fun.

Wow, this semester.

Ahem. Where to even begin, I'm not sure. 

Here goes nothing.

This semester was something I never would have expected. I have grown as a person so much in so many different ways. I have become smarter, healthier, and stronger than ever before. Never once was it easy. It's always been very, very hard for me. I'm not at the point where I want to say that it has all been worth it, but I know I'm a better person than before this semester started in many different ways. 

Reason #1 I'm better now: I've become a better girlfriend. 

This semester, my girlfriend of a year and a half, Caroline, went abroad to Russia for the semester. Being she was/is 8-9 hours ahead of me because of the time zone differences, it has been quite a challenge to figure out times to talk than ever before. Yes, we go to different colleges (she goes to Wooster, 5 hours away from Juniata), but being in a different country is a lot different than both being in the United States and just at different colleges. Quite honestly, it's emotionally exhausting to keep a relationship together when you're 7,000 miles apart from each other for so long. Not only that, but you get used to life, well, without them constantly being in it, which can question how much you really care for someone. Also, with her being my rock and vice versa, it was/is hard when things go wrong in one of our lives, because we usually talk to each other about major problems. In sum, communication is hard hard hard, but it has all been worth it, and I know that December 21st will be such an amazing and happy day: the day Caroline comes back to the United States.

Reason #2: My passion for my major(s) has increased exponentially. 

Okay, I'll admit it: what I want to do with my life is all over the place. I'm just interested in too many different things. There's not just one career for me...so I'm obviously just going to do it all (or well, at least give it a good try). I'm SUPER interested in languages/linguistics, gender studies, peace and conflict studies, and other related disciplines, like anthropology. I love it all. 

Well, first off, I took two different languages this semester: Spanish II and French III. French is most likely going to be one of my majors, and I will be taking many more classes next semester/year here and in France. Spanish, however, I hadn't taken since high school. I took the Spanish Placement Test and just placed into Spanish IV. However, since I hadn't taken the language in over a year and never had a teacher speak almost all the time in Spanish, I decided to take Spanish II for fun and to refresh myself with the language again. Taking two languages at once (and, mind you, they were back-to-back...French at 10:00 A.M., Spanish at 11:00 A.M....)  was not an easy task, but has definitely made me love and appreciate languages even more than ever before. It astounds me how amazingly similar yet amazingly different each language is from the next. How fascinating. I will be taking French conversation next semester. As for Spanish, however, I am putting it on hold until I come back from France, in spring 2014. We shall meet again, old friend.

Gender and Conflict caused me to learn a lot about myself more and to ask questions about things I didn't really want to think about. It also ended up combining two of my favorite things (PACS and gender studies). I have also adored writing the blog posts for this class. In fact, it's one of the things that has saved me this semester when I was drowning. For about a month, doing any work was just exhausting and nearly impossible, but these blog posts didn't feel like just work to me--it felt like a release at some points. Without it, I really don't know if I would have made it this semester. 

Concert Choir and Choral Union: to put it simply, singing keeps me feeling sane and makes me express what words alone sometimes cannot. It has been another way of release for me. Not only has the classes been good for me, but also my choir director has been very understanding and was/is willing to help me whenever I need it. I am lucky to have him (and many, many other people) in my life. Without them, I would not be driven the way I am today.

Reason #3: All that I have lost. (And yet, in turn, all that I have gained.)

Agh, I have lost more than I ever thought possible.

I've lost hope. I've lost emotional, mental, physical, and even financial stability. I've lost compassion for the world. I've lost family members in many different ways. I've lost the one person I expected to be in my live on earth infinitely. I've lost my mind. I've just about lost it all, almost, even, my own life, from my own hands.

It's been a living hell. It's been horrible. I've wished many of times to change things, to go back, to fix mistakes, to undo the wrongs, to say more "I love you"s and be a better person, start over with a new life, new everything, just with the same soul. Much of these feelings have been intensified this semester. Not only this, but life here at Juniata kept going. It didn't stop for me to catch my breath. I had to keep going, and at first, I really didn't know how to.

There are many events in my life I could talk about that have added to my feelings, but Kat is the most fresh wound. I thought that September was going to be the hardest month to get through, and, at the time, it was. It was horrible. But November didn't get that much better. Maybe on the outside, I did. Physically, my body started resuming the normal schedule. I began to feel hunger again; I was able to laugh at jokes once more; I was able to forget for a while. But, ever since that day, September 15th, not a day has passed that I have not thought about her or cried about her or talked to her. It has been up and down ever since then. Sometimes I'm not so sure I'll ever heal from it. And, the worst part of it is that no one knows exactly what I've been going through. Although that's not their faults, it's just frustrating to see the looks on people's faces when I tell them that Kat was my niece. It's like it would matter more if she was my sister or daughter or something. No one realizes how close I felt to her. It pains me to think about how I will never talk or see or hear her again in person. I just miss her so much.

Years ago, I made a promise to her. It seemed like a good idea at the time, being we were both in middle school (definitely never want to live those years again for sure). The promise was that if she were to kill herself for some reason, I'd kill myself too (or if something happened to her, I would kill myself as well). She then made the same promise to me. That promise is still a big deal to me, and I know it shouldn't be. I feel like part of me has failed her. 

After Kat died, my thoughts about suicide became unbearable. I thought about it all day and night. Even the little bit I slept, I dreamt about it. I couldn't get away. On one hand, I never wanted to ever think of suicide ever again; on the other hand, I wanted to be with Kat forever, which then brought me to think about what exactly I believe happens after someone dies, and etc. It got really deep and out of control fast, as you can see. To keep this from going on forever, I was essentially HIGHLY recommended to see the psychiatrist here in order to get put on some anti-depression medication. 

I'm surprised it has taken me this long to be put on medication. I could've used it since elementary school, sadly. So, a big portion of this semester was spent trying to figure out which prescription was the best for me. It took a while, but I have seemed to find the right one for the moment.

Okay, positives out of the situation: I'm financially independent and able to figure out paying for college on my own (with the help of financial aid, scholarships, loans, financial aid people at college, and being a Resident Assistant that pays for room and board). I have an amazing girlfriend that has been, above all, my best friend and someone I can tell anything and everything and not feel bad about myself. I have learned/gained much more passion for people in the world. I appreciate the gift of life more than I ever have before. I appreciate the people I've gotten to know and be with, whether for a short amount of time or not. I'm able to help many different people because of my life experiences. I've become more adventurous with life and want to do many amazing, cool, and crazy things for Kat since she didn't get to do many things. Etc. Etc. 

Through the darkness, I have seen the tiny gleam of light. The light is still tiny, but it is slowly growing and getting better. My hope is getting better, slowly but surely. I'm learning to cope with life and it's many twists and turns. Parts of me still wish some things were different, but I'm learning to deal with the fact that there's nothing I can do to change it. 

It's been hard. I really can't believe I got through it. It was seriously looking grim for a while. 

I maintain that there's a reason that I'm me and that I've gone through the things I have. Maybe these things are meant to be. I can't explain them, but instead, I'm going to follow my heart and my calling. I may not know what will happen, but I am a lot less afraid than I have been in the past. People do too much worrying and waiting than actually doing. We don't realize what we should have done until it's too late. I don't want that to be me. I will try my hardest not to let it.

To my professor of Gender and Conflict,

I am sorry that I, in some ways, have failed you. I have not given it my all. I want you to know that I had full intentions to work hard, and, in fact, I tried. I really did. I didn't rewrite things I said I would, and I didn't participate in class as much as I thought I would. I'm honestly afraid that I'm going to get a bad grade in this class. 

But I want you to know something. I'm really serious when I say this. I have learned more in this class than in ANY class I have ever had before. I've learned things about myself and about Kat and about others that I never knew before. I was able to relate to the readings, to the class discussions, to the videos we watched in class, etc. Although I seemed distant at some points, I took everything in. I took it all into my heart, because more than ever gender AND conflict were so relevant in my life. They were in my face all the time. The class itself I used as a way to focus my feelings, whether it be simple sadness or building anger. I learned about the way I view things and handle situations. I have learned how to deal with myself and others and begin to move on. I can't even express how much I've learned. That, in itself, has been worth it all. 

Thank you for being there for me when I came into your office confused at where to go and what to do next, jumble-minded. Thank you for being patient and for listening to me. Thanks for not only being there for me but also pushing me forward and challenging myself to figure out how to live again. It's been hard. It's been quite terrible. But it's been worth it.


Goodbye, semester, my friend and enemy. Let the next one be even more valuable.

Nikki.

Wrongly Educated...Forever.

Yay, another interesting discussion! This discussion had a lot to do with contraceptions, abortions, and high school health classes. Interesting, right? I thought so!

This blog is going to be written with different key points in the discussion that stood out to me. It may seem like it's all over the place at some points, but just bare with me. My mind likes to jump from one interesting topic to the other in a millisecond. I apologize in advance.

In this presentation, many of the statistics presented to the class were pretty shocking to me, for I haven't studied the topics thoroughly before. To begin, it was stated that only 1 in 4 people are using condoms correctly. Ah, God, that scares me a lot and also explains so much to me at the same time. I'm also pretty confused at how so few people do not know how to put on a condom. It's not that hard...I've done it before successfully without any tutorial with a banana or cucumber or dildo or anything! Strike one for health/sex education in schools...tsk tsk.

Back in the day of Roe V. Wade, one fifth of all maternal deaths were caused by illegal and unsafe procedures. Although it's been a few decades since Roe V. Wade, there are still "back alley" abortions happening everyday. How terrifying is that? And it's not specifically looking better yet, considering the decreased in facilities providing services such as abortions. In 1982, there were 2,900 of these facilities; in 2005, it has been documented that there were only 1,800 facilities. That should be horrifying to everyone out there.

Another scary thought/concept that the group presenting put into my head: a lot of people are pro-life AND pro-choice at the same time. HUH? Basically, people believe that a person should have control over their bodies (therefore allowing abortions), but are personally against the procedure (therefore against abortion). I've never thought about it that way before. This is definitely the root of the problem, and it's truly hard to pinpoint how exactly to fix it.

Crisis Pregnancy Centers: I've heard of them before, but not in depth (until now). First, I did not know they are state sponsored organizations. In my opinion, that shouldn't be allowed, but I digress. Out of all CPCs, 92% have no medical professionals on staff, 1 in 2 suggest that birth control is ineffective, and 1 in 4 suggest that abortion leads to cancer. I don't even know what to say about these statistics. They are just wrong. I mean, I know people have Freedom of Speech and whatnot, but this speech isn't even correct. How is this state-sponsored? I'm terrified even more for the world after learning about this in class.

Below is one CPC's webpage that the group mentioned in class. I did some browsing on my own time. They do a VERY good job at being subtle and seemingly intelligent about the way they present their information. I can see why people could be fooled by the page. It provides just enough information for someone to get interested, but not enough to know the grim truth about these programs. Therefore, if a person is really scared about having an abortion, they would have to go into one of the centers, where they would be questioned and convinced out of an abortion, despite of how they originally felt. Disturbing. AND they outnumber abortion clinics and other sexual health centers. WHY, WORLD?

http://www.optionline.org/

Oh, and just to add another horrid strike to sex education in middle/high schools, some of the programs that are allowed to be shown in school or other places are horrible, especially the abstinence-only programs. Hello? They are not effective. Why are you trying? Also, the analogies that are used are so disgusting (I've used some gross words in this blog. I hope you understand the extent of my disgust). For example, the "sticky tape" analogy: after it's touched so many times, it's useless, right? Well so are people, especially women (because that's society for you). Another example is where a certain program passes around a piece of candy, letting everyone touch it. After everyone touches it, the instructor asks, "Now who wants it?" No one, of course. The candy is gross and infected with germs now and not pure. Oh, look, this applies to people, kids!

Shame on you, sex ed. Shame on you.



Happy 18th birthday, Kat Halstead. Your day is here. I shall miss you forever. 

"Don't Hate the Player; Hate the Game."

The next in-class presentation had to deal with gender and sports. Okay, I'll admit, this isn't something I have really analyzed before in-depth. I'm just not really into sports, which causes the topic to be more boring than others involving gender. And I mean, the only thing I've ever analyzed about gender in sports is like Sports Illustrated magazines, which are just like naked pictures of women which is obviously demeaning. I also know that men are pictures as either total hotties or as strong superheroes, which also doesn't help the patriarchal society in which we live. Other than that, though, I don't really look more into sports (can you tell already that this is going to be a short blog post?).

As I suspected, the group with this topic showed a lot of pictures of "sexy" women and aggressive men, along with mentioning Sports Illustrated as well. Predictable. I mean, there's only so much you can say about the topic, right?

Right?

Well, I must say, the group did bring my attention to some interesting concepts that I never really knew about beforehand, mainly because, well, I don't think about the variety of sports that exist (I stink at analyzing gender after all). The one sport that didn't come to my mind before the class was tennis, specifically women's tennis. 

Of course, I know who the Williams sisters are. In fact, when I was younger, I used to look up to them as practically superheroes, for they had all of the characteristics men were supposed to have, but were women, giving the world a big F-you, which was amazing to me.  I didn't realize, however, how much they get ridiculed for something as simple as how they look/are built, even still today. Yes, they have huge muscles, but what's the need for calling them manly or ugly? Why is it okay for a man but not a woman? Annoying. 

And now for the most disturbing part I learned from the discussion also about women's tennis: they now measure.....women's.......GRUNTS? EXCUSE ME? They didn't go into much detail about it, because there were other questions, but that shocked me SO MUCH. Not only this, but people criticize one of the Williams sisters (I can't for the life of me remember which one....sorry) for having such a loud grunt and that it's not fair to the competitor because it might "scare" them. That's probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, honestly. Like, what? I don't even have anything else to say about this anymore. I mean, what is there to say? I think it's absolutely ludicrous. 

Oh well. That's enough about this. I learned a lot and loved it, but just talking about it is making me break a sweat. I'd rather go play a sport now.

We Really Need a Woman President.

Today was very interesting, especially since it was after election day (right when I thought I could get away from politics...ha ha). Women in politics is something that not many people talk about in detail, and I know I definitely haven't that much. All that I've ever really heard about the topic has been, "We really need a woman as a president!" Therefore, I've definitely learned a lot in class today and would like to explore this more in depth in the future.

Dr. Plane brought up a lot of good points with his short synopsis of the topic and also things I didn't know before. One thing that really stuck out to me was when he said, "We think of the President as the King, but we don't think of the First Lady as the Queen." That is such an interesting point. For example, Michelle Obama isn't really seen as much more than President Barack Obama's husband. Yes, she's a wonderful woman who does many important things such as bring awareness to childhood obesity, but other than that, she's just a mother. Meanwhile, before Barack became the President of the United States, Michelle was making more money and was more successful than he was. Why has she had to compromise her success? Why isn't she seen as Barack's equal? Guaranteed, the President will inevitably have many more responsibilities than the First Lady (because the President is the one who is the person running the nation and is applying to do so, whereas the First Lady/Man would not be running for anything essentially, at least it's not that way in the U.S.), but maybe, just maybe, we can change that one day. One idea that I entertained in my mind during the presidential debates was why didn't Ann Romney and Michelle Obama have a debate? Not only would we find out more about the candidates through their significant others (partners know the dirtiest and deepest of secrets), but they also could have shared what they would do as the First Lady and how they would contribute to the nation, OTHER THAN being a great wife and mother. Come on, women, we're better than that! Why are we all buying into this patriarchy with pretty dresses, a nice smile, and a polite wave?

Well, let's mess around with society for a little bit by bringing up a very interesting question: what will be the role of the First Man? Would it be different? I'm willing to bet a lot of money that it would be IMMENSELY different. Maybe not noticeably at first, but let's begin from the moment his we'll say wife gets elected as the President of the United States. First off, Fox News would have a lot to talk about. Imagine all the ridicule that President would have to deal with just because she's a woman. It honestly wouldn't matter if she was the biggest right-winged conservative on the planet, she would still be less than a male to a lot of people. That's upsetting. Also, depending on her political affiliation, the other party would definitely brutally bash her to bits. Why? Because the United States today is so, so divided. It's disgusting. One can see this simply on Facebook. My friends from high school (the very few that I still talk to) are most very conservative and identify as Republican. Therefore, after Obama was re-elected, many attacks were made against not only the President, but anyone who supported him, specifically Democrats and "Liberals." The comments get SO bad that they even seem like personal attacks on people like me. It's horrible about how divided America has become. We need to change that. We need to change the way we see a lot of things.

And now, for a last few closing notes that sparked my interest today. 

1. JILL BIDEN'S A PRACTICING DOCTOR? How amazingly cool and inspiring! Now why can't Michelle Obama still be a practicing lawyer....or something more than a J. Crew model.....
2. My favorite part of the PowerPoint today was the three requirements for First Ladies/women in politics--Husbands, Hemlines, and Hair. Sounds like the name of a bad musical.

This week has been rough for me. Nervous Breakdown November has taken a tole on me already. I'm pushing through.

Liberia: Not as Different From America as You May Think.

The presentation on Liberia today really has opened my mind to another part of the world (this is why I love my major). You know, it may be surprising to some people, but the problems in Liberia are not that far off from problems that exist in the United States today. In fact, in some ways, they are eerily similar, especially within the gender roles in Liberia and the United States.

First off, let me begin by listing how women are perceived in Liberia in comparison to men. Women are clearly treated as lesser individuals in all aspects of society. To sum it up from the article Goran sent our class the other day, "Liberia's civil law system is patriarchal." In some ways, ours is too. Both Liberia and the U.S. are patriarchal societies, but that's a no-brainer. Not only that, but I know you're thinking, well, aren't almost ALL societies patriarchal? Yes, so let me keep going with the similarities and also say that one could compare Liberia with other nations/countries as well. I chose the U.S. because it is where I was born and raised and live today, along with the majority (if not all) of the students in the Gender and Conflict class. For me, it's the easiest to use for a comparison and the easiest for me to explain to others.

Moving back to comparisons by using quotes from the article, "Social attitudes tend to accept sexual crimes against women and children as one of life’s risks. For example, there is no domestic violence law in Liberia." Although we most certainly do have domestic violence laws in the U.S., we can definitely say that there are still many things pertaining to these situations that are corrupt in America. Take Slut Walks, for example. Why has this movement started? Because some people say that if a woman dresses in a "slutty" fashion, then she should "accept [a] sexual crime...as one of life's risks." Yes, it is a lower scale than in Liberia (by far), but it is still relevant in our society and worth noting. 

Now let's talk about all of the amazing things women/women groups have been doing in Liberia during and after the civil wars that I've learned about from the discussion/presentation today (the Peace part of PACS). Women in Liberia have done things like organized marches, nonviolent protests, and even sex strikes during first civil war in order to have their voices heard in a very nonviolent way. During the second civil war, women were directly involved in negotiations for peace. Many women's organizations were combined to create Liberia Mass Action for Peace, and from there, they did things such as staged a sit in and signed a comprehensive peace agreement in 2003. Even after the many conflicts, the women/organizations are still active with workshops creating deadlines for the peace agreement in order to have actions be done in the near future. They have worked tirelessly educating members of their society about the peace agreement and what they can do to ensure movement on this process. I must say, it was absolutely inspiring to hear everything that many Liberian women are trying to do to move their rights forward. It's something we can all learn from.

Although I disagreed with how Liberian women were portrayed as a whole in the video, I absolutely loved some of the women who were interviewed and talking about their rights, specifically two of them. The first woman that caught my attention and earned my respect was one who mentioned that one point of their movements was to show that women can do other things and belong in other places rather than just cooking in the kitchen. It made me chuckle, but not because it was funny, but because it was interesting to me. Sometimes, it's easy to forget that other people feel the same way you do sometimes. Here, in the U.S., you hear all the time kitchen jokes with women and "making sandwiches" and things like that. That idea of a "woman's place" is not just here, but also in places like Liberia, which was, quite honestly, one of the last places I would have expected someone to make that comment about their society. Very eye-opening. However, the other woman did not surprise me as much with what she had to say. She simply just talked about how she and the women in Liberia are striving towards one day having equal rights, aka the same rights as men do. Her comment just reminded me how we have a lot of global work to do with something as simple and practical as everyone having the same rights. It's amazing to me how something so sensible is so hard to achieve ANYWHERE. It blows my mind.

Finally, Happy Election Day. I hope America keeps on pushing towards equal rights here.

R - E - S - P - E - C - T.

Today was the in-class discussion about rape culture that was led by one of the groups in class. Although they only had a handout to show us, the discussion was fantastic and very valuable. 

This topic really hits home for me for a number of reasons in which I will not get too far into at the moment. I always get nervous about class discussions on this topic, because I will either say absolutely nothing and be detached and stoic or be extremely passionate about the subject and say whatever comes to mind, which can be harsh at people who are less knowledgable about the topic. I was very pleased with how the discussion went, though, and how well the group answered people's questions to the best of their abilities. 

Also, I feel obliged to mention that the reading that this group picked for this topic was the best of the best, for it was--yep, you guessed it--dear ol' Valenti, from chapter four of her book entitled Full Frontal Feminism. I really love everything she says or talks about--it's always so dang interesting to me. For example, when she talks about volunteering as an emergency room advocate for survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence, I kind of get jealous--I've thought about doing this for a while now, just for a short amount of time to learn how to work with people in many different trauma situations. I must say, though, that hearing Valenti say she could only take ABOUT A YEAR of that kind of work absolutely terrifies me. Was it really....that bad? I mean, I understand what people go through when assaulted in this way. I guess it would get bad after see so many people, even in just a day, be so traumatized. Still, I like the challenge of the work. One day. 


***Did you know that there is now a new term for domestic violence? It is "intimate partner violence." I don't know how I feel about this yet. I just felt like if there's someone reading this out there, they should know this.***


None of the rape statistics from the handout and the Valenti chapter surprised me. I've read them all before, mostly on my own time, but also they've been repeated a lot in the class I've taken, especially here, because of how relevant the problem of rape culture is in our society. I know all of the different excuses people use when they rape someone. I despise them all equally, but the one that always annoys me the most is the "no hymen, no rape" excuse. This just shows how little people know about ourselves and our bodies. First off, a hymen DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE. When you have sex for the first time, it can hurt because the hymen is stretching from the penetration. It stops hurting if you have sex pretty consistently. However, if it has been years since the person last had sex, it could hurt again, because the hymen starts to go back to its original place. Therefore, THERE'S NO SUCH THING HAS "NO HYMEN." Along with this, hymens can be torn by other activities, like riding a bicycle or inserting a tampon. This excuse is just plain bull and infuriates me.


The discussion in class kind of made me a bit heated inside (I think it showed a bit, too. Whoops). Of course, it was towards the end of the class, so I didn't get to say something to the discussion like I wanted to. To sum it up quickly, some people in the class were talking about whether or not survivors of sexual assault must have evidence in order to convict his/her rapist. It was kind of a mixed topic, with most believing that someone does not need to be required to have evidence, which is the side I would have taken. 

I mean, let's think about it logically. Rape is definitely NOT an easy thing to process, especially with how fast everything happens, how you feel, and how usually survivors know who did this to them. It's not an easy thing to report, and many, unfortunately, don't. And, of course, basically no one really wants to go through the process of prosecuting someone. It's grueling and very long and not fun at all. Therefore, many of times, survivors don't think about reporting rape until a while after the actual event happened. This means that you have no evidence from a rape kit, no physical markings, not a lot of clear-cut evidence that is usually looked for in these cases, hence the problem.

One person really stressed at how it is unfair to prosecute someone without that kind of evidence, because she could be making it up. This person also said that psychological evidence from the survivor cannot be considered proof because the person could be a pathological liar or have some other mental disorder that is causing he/she to lie. Okay, there are a few problems with that argument.

First off, don't get me wrong: I think the judicial system here is pretty messed up and doomed--but here's where statistics need to be checked. There is a very, VERY small percentage of people who claim to be sexually assaulted and are lying--but, once again, compared to the people who are telling the truth, is a very small number, practically irrelevant, actually. Also, psychological damage should be (and can be) used as evidence of this trauma. Not many people lie about this kind of damage (or can lie) to someone else, especially when asked about details of the event. A good psychiatrist should also be able to tell if the person is lying. 

That is just a short part of my rebuttal back to the person. I do not mean any disrespect to my colleagues; I'm just offering a different way to look at things. I like the challenge.

Fall(-ing apart) Break.

Kat has been on my mind this entire break. There's been no way around that. You know, it's extremely hard to move on. It's also extremely hard to pick myself up and continue with life. I'm falling behind and it's horrid. Today, I wrote to Kat on her Facebook to get out my feelings. I thought I'd share it with you. To me, sharing means healing. Hopefully this helps.



"Well, since for some reason Facebook is letting me message you even though you're not here anymore, I'm going to take advantage of that. To begin, Kat I love you so much. Do you know how horrid of a choice you made? I'm not trying to be harsh, I just want you to understand how f*****g sad I am. I miss you SO much. Every single day. You've changed my life in the worst way possible. Just when I thought life couldn't get more confusing it happened. How am I supposed to move on from this? I just want to sit in a room and hope I die after not eating for days. But I can't. You know, the one thing you did do for me that has been good is show me how horrible suicide is. You knew I wanted to kill myself at one point, and I didn't think anyone would care. but now I know how serious suicide is and how it never should be an option for anyone to take. I wish you knew what I knew now. Of course, I'm still suicidal sometimes. But that happens.

Why didn't you talk to me? Why did you do this to me? Did you even care about me? I know I messed up. I know I didn't talk to you for a while. I know that's my fault. But why didn't you at least say what you were doing? Why didn't you say goodbye? I'm so hurt. Why didn't you write something? I'm going to wonder about this for the rest of my life. I swear, none of this is going to get easier for me. People don't realize how well I knew you. Hell, even Caroline [my girlfriend] doesn't fully understand. She thinks because we didn't talk too much that I only think that I knew you. But I didn't have to talk to you to know you. We're similar, I don't care what anyone says. Yes, we were different with our school grades and illegal stuff (tsk tsk), but our personalities and hearts were the same. I'll never know your kids because they won't exist. We won't get to age together and talk about getting older and do things together or party together and you'll never see my school and you'll never know my friends and you'll never see me happy or sad or anything ever again and it's not fair. It's not fair at all. I've cried almost every night over you. Why did you do this? Can you even read this? Do you know how i feel? God, Kat, send me a sign. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Please, help me. You created this mess. Please help me out of it. I'm begging you. I'm not going to make it without your help, and I know you want to see me succeed, don't you? I f*****g LOVE you. I hope you're in a better place now. I hope it's good. I love you. I love you. I love you."

Two Genders, Five Sexes...Why Limit the Possibilities?

Although intersexuality is something that has been around for a very long time, I haven't really looked far into the topic, so I don't know anything past the basics about it, which, to me, simply consists of the definition and how sometimes doctors "fix" the babies when young and choose a sex for them and how that can sometimes cause problems growing up and life in general. That's about the extent of my knowledge. Therefore, I really did enjoy reading The Five Sexes by Ann Fausto-Sterling. She was definitely beyond the 90s. 

One section in this article that really caught my attention was work from urologist Hugh H. Young of Johns Hopkins University, specifically one of the cases he studied. The way the person, Emma (whom I will use feminine pronouns solely because the article says she grew up as a female and doesn't specify that she would definitely rather it be otherwise, so I'm going to assume it would be okay for me to refer to Emma as a female), explained the way she felt about whether or not she would ever surgically remove her vagina and how that would affect her life:

"Would you have to remove that vagina?  I don’t know about that because that’s my meal ticket.  If you did that, I would have to quit my husband and go to work, so I think I’ll keep it and stay as I am.  My husband supports me well, and even though I don’t have any sexual pleasure with him, I do have lots with my girlfriends."

Her blunt honesty really speaks to me. It shows a different way of viewing how someone feels while going through such a terribly hard and complicated decision involving her own body rather than the typical "this isn't exact right so let's fully transition," or something along those lines. Although slightly humorous thinking about Emma having a husband AND girlfriendS, this quote makes perfect sense to me.

"Intersexuality itself is old news. Hermaphrodites, for instance, are often featured in stories about human origins. Early biblical scholars believed Adam began life as a hermaphrodite and later divided into two people—a male and a female—after falling from grace. According to Plato there once were three sexes—male, female and hermaphrodite—but the third sex was lost with time."

More people need to learn about this. It's all very interesting.

Loretta Ross the Boss.

Earlier this year, Beyond Tolerance had a woman named Dr. Virginia Mollenkott. To put it simply, her talk changed my life forever. I've never connected to a person like I did with her. She seemed to understand things in my life that I thought absolutely no one else would ever understand. It blew me away, and I found myself crying at the lecture (and, if you know me very well, you'd know that I don't cry in front of people often, if not at all).

After the lecture, I talked to her more and was inspired to look more into her works when I got back to my room. I stumbled across a written interview done of her a few years back. A lot of her answers really spoke to me, especially this one, which has completely changed my outlook on life:

"And she said, “We have to deal with your incest damage.” I said, “Okay, let’s do it now, because I’m miserable anyway. So let’s just do it.” (laughter) And so we did. But she said to me at one point, “You know, Virginia, if somebody shoots you, the first thing you do is not try to understand why they shot you. The first thing you do is get help. So you don’t die.” That was news to me. I mean, now you would think that was just nothing you needed to teach a sixty-four year-old  woman. But I did need to hear it. I did need to hear it. Because that’s my first impulse—to try to understand why it happened. First impulse after I got beaten up by those kids, understand why they beat me. (Pause)  First impulse has got to be some self-defense."

Boom. Amazing, huh?

The reason why I bring Dr. Mollenkott into the conversation is because another recent Beyond Tolerance speaker, Loretta Ross, also changed my life in very similar ways. She talked a lot about her story and how she ended up being, to put it simply, a feminist. She has become so, so successful with her work with the women's movement and abuse hotlines (and etc.), it's amazing.

What amazed me most, though, was her childhood/growing up story. She, at a very young age, was raped and became pregnant with her rapist's baby. She decided to give up the baby for adoption, but the doctors and nurses in the hospital where she gave birth messed up and brought her the baby--she was never supposed to lay eyes on the baby. That moment changed her decision, and she raised her son. It turns out that later on she becomes sterile tragically, so her son was her last child. 

Of course, there were a lot more events and a lot more detail in her story, but that's the gist of it. It hit me emotionally and cried a little. How powerful. And, to top it all off, she told her story with a big smile on her face the entire time. How amazingly brave and courageous.

I hope that one day I too will be able to talk about my stories with a smile and a happiness that they happened, for they have made me a stronger person.

Keep on moving, Virginia and Loretta. 

Dr. Widman and the Throwdown.

I'm not really one to talk about Psychology, but Dr. Widman sure did a good job at intriguing me with linking gender to the discipline. The only other time I've been really interested in Psychology is on the subject of Linguistics within Cognitive Psychology, mainly because I love languages so much. However, talking about Psychology goes over my head a lot (no pun intended), so I had to focus pretty hard on everything he was saying.

Thinking about the brain just confuses the heck out of me. It's one big mystery, and Dr. Widman confirmed that we only know an extremely small amount of what the brain does. It makes me think that maybe we have the answers to life itself, but we just don't know it.....
Anyway, one thing that really struck me while he was talking was the part about corpus callosums and how they are different between males and females. I feel like there is some deep meaning behind it that we haven't figured out yet. I mean, whether some people like to admit it or not, there are some differences between males and females that just happen. We are somewhat different. That doesn't mean that I can't be masculine--it just means some things separate our difference that we cannot control, as in the sex in which we are born.
Women and men also differ, according to Dr. Widman, with which parts of the brain are used. Women tend to use both lateral sides of the brain, whereas men do not. In my opinion, I believe that women do think about things with a much fuller view than men do (of course there are exceptions to this, we're not robots after all). But it seems clear to me when I talk to my guy friends how different they think, even with like comparing a man and woman's outlooks on life itself. We just naturally seem to go about things differently; it doesn't mean one is right and the other is wrong, though. It's not surprising to me that women are "scatter-brained" and men are more structured. It just adds to the patriarchal society....sigh. 
The most interesting part of Dr. Widman's lecture for me was, to no surprise, about homosexuality. Although I didn't understand a lot of it, I do remember Dr. Widman talking about the nuclei in the brain and how for homosexual males seem to be right in the middle between heterosexual males and heterosexual females. HOW NEAT IS THAT? It's nice to know that homosexuality, although still puzzling to many, is somewhat support through psychology. It's not a disease after all, folks. It's just a different setup in the brain, which is so cool to me. 
I'm very glad Dr. Widman came to class to talk to us. It was nice to have a totally difference perspective on things. Although I wished the discussions were more productive, I enjoyed it. I would love for him to come back again.

Clatterbaugh: Even His Name Sounds Ridiculous.

Does it come at any surprise that I would disagree with Clatterbaugh? However, I chose to read his work mainly because of the name of the chapter, "The Conservative Legacy." I knew it would be stuff I definitely didn't agree with, but I enjoy reading other people's opinions, extreme or not. Just to sum up Clatterbaugh's argument quickly, as shown in class, here's a list of his views on males and females.

Females

• Must bring fetus to term
• Must promote biology by becoming a man’s property
• No erotic power
• Biological interest in child bearing

Males

•  “Male nature is shaped by aggression"
• Have different strategies that women because men produce more sperm than women produce eggs
•  Can fertilize more than one woman to “increase his inclusive fitness”
• Men have sexual power
• Rape is a technique used to maintain sexual power
• Hard to domesticate

Sadly, I know some people who still hold this ideology (I'm sure many of you have as well--I mean, hell, read some news articles about some wacky politicians out there). One of the most upsetting parts about Clatterbough is how he refers to these beliefs as "moral conservatism" throughout the entire chapter.  His definition of conservatism definitely seems very far from moral to me.  

He has a neat way of making things seem pretty reasonable. For example, he begins one of his points by saying, "Whereas male nature is antisocial and empty of values, female nature is filled with promise and the values of civilization." Well, that sounds very in favor of women. However, just two sentences later, he finishes his thought. "Second, women must exercise their erotic power over men; that is, they must offer sexual gratification to the male in exchange for his agreement to her demands for monogamy, marriage, and his roles as provider and protector." At first glance to some, this could see like a trade-off. Women do this, men give them this. Win-win, right? No. Because what the men would be "giving" the women is something that should not have stipulations in order to achieve that. Marriage isn't a gift men give to women; it is a gift to both people. Women should not have to be, essentially, sex slaves in order to get married and not have a man be unfaithful. 

Ridiculousness.