Wow, this semester.
Ahem. Where to even begin, I'm not sure.
Here goes nothing.
This semester was something I never would have expected. I have grown as a person so much in so many different ways. I have become smarter, healthier, and stronger than ever before. Never once was it easy. It's always been very, very hard for me. I'm not at the point where I want to say that it has all been worth it, but I know I'm a better person than before this semester started in many different ways.
Reason #1 I'm better now: I've become a better girlfriend.
This semester, my girlfriend of a year and a half, Caroline, went abroad to Russia for the semester. Being she was/is 8-9 hours ahead of me because of the time zone differences, it has been quite a challenge to figure out times to talk than ever before. Yes, we go to different colleges (she goes to Wooster, 5 hours away from Juniata), but being in a different country is a lot different than both being in the United States and just at different colleges. Quite honestly, it's emotionally exhausting to keep a relationship together when you're 7,000 miles apart from each other for so long. Not only that, but you get used to life, well, without them constantly being in it, which can question how much you really care for someone. Also, with her being my rock and vice versa, it was/is hard when things go wrong in one of our lives, because we usually talk to each other about major problems. In sum, communication is hard hard hard, but it has all been worth it, and I know that December 21st will be such an amazing and happy day: the day Caroline comes back to the United States.
Reason #2: My passion for my major(s) has increased exponentially.
Okay, I'll admit it: what I want to do with my life is all over the place. I'm just interested in too many different things. There's not just one career for me...so I'm obviously just going to do it all (or well, at least give it a good try). I'm SUPER interested in languages/linguistics, gender studies, peace and conflict studies, and other related disciplines, like anthropology. I love it all.
Well, first off, I took two different languages this semester: Spanish II and French III. French is most likely going to be one of my majors, and I will be taking many more classes next semester/year here and in France. Spanish, however, I hadn't taken since high school. I took the Spanish Placement Test and just placed into Spanish IV. However, since I hadn't taken the language in over a year and never had a teacher speak almost all the time in Spanish, I decided to take Spanish II for fun and to refresh myself with the language again. Taking two languages at once (and, mind you, they were back-to-back...French at 10:00 A.M., Spanish at 11:00 A.M....) was not an easy task, but has definitely made me love and appreciate languages even more than ever before. It astounds me how amazingly similar yet amazingly different each language is from the next. How fascinating. I will be taking French conversation next semester. As for Spanish, however, I am putting it on hold until I come back from France, in spring 2014. We shall meet again, old friend.
Gender and Conflict caused me to learn a lot about myself more and to ask questions about things I didn't really want to think about. It also ended up combining two of my favorite things (PACS and gender studies). I have also adored writing the blog posts for this class. In fact, it's one of the things that has saved me this semester when I was drowning. For about a month, doing any work was just exhausting and nearly impossible, but these blog posts didn't feel like just work to me--it felt like a release at some points. Without it, I really don't know if I would have made it this semester.
Concert Choir and Choral Union: to put it simply, singing keeps me feeling sane and makes me express what words alone sometimes cannot. It has been another way of release for me. Not only has the classes been good for me, but also my choir director has been very understanding and was/is willing to help me whenever I need it. I am lucky to have him (and many, many other people) in my life. Without them, I would not be driven the way I am today.
Reason #3: All that I have lost. (And yet, in turn, all that I have gained.)
Agh, I have lost more than I ever thought possible.
I've lost hope. I've lost emotional, mental, physical, and even financial stability. I've lost compassion for the world. I've lost family members in many different ways. I've lost the one person I expected to be in my live on earth infinitely. I've lost my mind. I've just about lost it all, almost, even, my own life, from my own hands.
It's been a living hell. It's been horrible. I've wished many of times to change things, to go back, to fix mistakes, to undo the wrongs, to say more "I love you"s and be a better person, start over with a new life, new everything, just with the same soul. Much of these feelings have been intensified this semester. Not only this, but life here at Juniata kept going. It didn't stop for me to catch my breath. I had to keep going, and at first, I really didn't know how to.
There are many events in my life I could talk about that have added to my feelings, but Kat is the most fresh wound. I thought that September was going to be the hardest month to get through, and, at the time, it was. It was horrible. But November didn't get that much better. Maybe on the outside, I did. Physically, my body started resuming the normal schedule. I began to feel hunger again; I was able to laugh at jokes once more; I was able to forget for a while. But, ever since that day, September 15th, not a day has passed that I have not thought about her or cried about her or talked to her. It has been up and down ever since then. Sometimes I'm not so sure I'll ever heal from it. And, the worst part of it is that no one knows exactly what I've been going through. Although that's not their faults, it's just frustrating to see the looks on people's faces when I tell them that Kat was my niece. It's like it would matter more if she was my sister or daughter or something. No one realizes how close I felt to her. It pains me to think about how I will never talk or see or hear her again in person. I just miss her so much.
Years ago, I made a promise to her. It seemed like a good idea at the time, being we were both in middle school (definitely never want to live those years again for sure). The promise was that if she were to kill herself for some reason, I'd kill myself too (or if something happened to her, I would kill myself as well). She then made the same promise to me. That promise is still a big deal to me, and I know it shouldn't be. I feel like part of me has failed her.
After Kat died, my thoughts about suicide became unbearable. I thought about it all day and night. Even the little bit I slept, I dreamt about it. I couldn't get away. On one hand, I never wanted to ever think of suicide ever again; on the other hand, I wanted to be with Kat forever, which then brought me to think about what exactly I believe happens after someone dies, and etc. It got really deep and out of control fast, as you can see. To keep this from going on forever, I was essentially HIGHLY recommended to see the psychiatrist here in order to get put on some anti-depression medication.
I'm surprised it has taken me this long to be put on medication. I could've used it since elementary school, sadly. So, a big portion of this semester was spent trying to figure out which prescription was the best for me. It took a while, but I have seemed to find the right one for the moment.
Okay, positives out of the situation: I'm financially independent and able to figure out paying for college on my own (with the help of financial aid, scholarships, loans, financial aid people at college, and being a Resident Assistant that pays for room and board). I have an amazing girlfriend that has been, above all, my best friend and someone I can tell anything and everything and not feel bad about myself. I have learned/gained much more passion for people in the world. I appreciate the gift of life more than I ever have before. I appreciate the people I've gotten to know and be with, whether for a short amount of time or not. I'm able to help many different people because of my life experiences. I've become more adventurous with life and want to do many amazing, cool, and crazy things for Kat since she didn't get to do many things. Etc. Etc.
Through the darkness, I have seen the tiny gleam of light. The light is still tiny, but it is slowly growing and getting better. My hope is getting better, slowly but surely. I'm learning to cope with life and it's many twists and turns. Parts of me still wish some things were different, but I'm learning to deal with the fact that there's nothing I can do to change it.
It's been hard. I really can't believe I got through it. It was seriously looking grim for a while.
I maintain that there's a reason that I'm me and that I've gone through the things I have. Maybe these things are meant to be. I can't explain them, but instead, I'm going to follow my heart and my calling. I may not know what will happen, but I am a lot less afraid than I have been in the past. People do too much worrying and waiting than actually doing. We don't realize what we should have done until it's too late. I don't want that to be me. I will try my hardest not to let it.
To my professor of Gender and Conflict,
I am sorry that I, in some ways, have failed you. I have not given it my all. I want you to know that I had full intentions to work hard, and, in fact, I tried. I really did. I didn't rewrite things I said I would, and I didn't participate in class as much as I thought I would. I'm honestly afraid that I'm going to get a bad grade in this class.
But I want you to know something. I'm really serious when I say this. I have learned more in this class than in ANY class I have ever had before. I've learned things about myself and about Kat and about others that I never knew before. I was able to relate to the readings, to the class discussions, to the videos we watched in class, etc. Although I seemed distant at some points, I took everything in. I took it all into my heart, because more than ever gender AND conflict were so relevant in my life. They were in my face all the time. The class itself I used as a way to focus my feelings, whether it be simple sadness or building anger. I learned about the way I view things and handle situations. I have learned how to deal with myself and others and begin to move on. I can't even express how much I've learned. That, in itself, has been worth it all.
Thank you for being there for me when I came into your office confused at where to go and what to do next, jumble-minded. Thank you for being patient and for listening to me. Thanks for not only being there for me but also pushing me forward and challenging myself to figure out how to live again. It's been hard. It's been quite terrible. But it's been worth it.
Goodbye, semester, my friend and enemy. Let the next one be even more valuable.
Nikki.
Ahem. Where to even begin, I'm not sure.
Here goes nothing.
This semester was something I never would have expected. I have grown as a person so much in so many different ways. I have become smarter, healthier, and stronger than ever before. Never once was it easy. It's always been very, very hard for me. I'm not at the point where I want to say that it has all been worth it, but I know I'm a better person than before this semester started in many different ways.
Reason #1 I'm better now: I've become a better girlfriend.
This semester, my girlfriend of a year and a half, Caroline, went abroad to Russia for the semester. Being she was/is 8-9 hours ahead of me because of the time zone differences, it has been quite a challenge to figure out times to talk than ever before. Yes, we go to different colleges (she goes to Wooster, 5 hours away from Juniata), but being in a different country is a lot different than both being in the United States and just at different colleges. Quite honestly, it's emotionally exhausting to keep a relationship together when you're 7,000 miles apart from each other for so long. Not only that, but you get used to life, well, without them constantly being in it, which can question how much you really care for someone. Also, with her being my rock and vice versa, it was/is hard when things go wrong in one of our lives, because we usually talk to each other about major problems. In sum, communication is hard hard hard, but it has all been worth it, and I know that December 21st will be such an amazing and happy day: the day Caroline comes back to the United States.
Reason #2: My passion for my major(s) has increased exponentially.
Okay, I'll admit it: what I want to do with my life is all over the place. I'm just interested in too many different things. There's not just one career for me...so I'm obviously just going to do it all (or well, at least give it a good try). I'm SUPER interested in languages/linguistics, gender studies, peace and conflict studies, and other related disciplines, like anthropology. I love it all.
Well, first off, I took two different languages this semester: Spanish II and French III. French is most likely going to be one of my majors, and I will be taking many more classes next semester/year here and in France. Spanish, however, I hadn't taken since high school. I took the Spanish Placement Test and just placed into Spanish IV. However, since I hadn't taken the language in over a year and never had a teacher speak almost all the time in Spanish, I decided to take Spanish II for fun and to refresh myself with the language again. Taking two languages at once (and, mind you, they were back-to-back...French at 10:00 A.M., Spanish at 11:00 A.M....) was not an easy task, but has definitely made me love and appreciate languages even more than ever before. It astounds me how amazingly similar yet amazingly different each language is from the next. How fascinating. I will be taking French conversation next semester. As for Spanish, however, I am putting it on hold until I come back from France, in spring 2014. We shall meet again, old friend.
Gender and Conflict caused me to learn a lot about myself more and to ask questions about things I didn't really want to think about. It also ended up combining two of my favorite things (PACS and gender studies). I have also adored writing the blog posts for this class. In fact, it's one of the things that has saved me this semester when I was drowning. For about a month, doing any work was just exhausting and nearly impossible, but these blog posts didn't feel like just work to me--it felt like a release at some points. Without it, I really don't know if I would have made it this semester.
Concert Choir and Choral Union: to put it simply, singing keeps me feeling sane and makes me express what words alone sometimes cannot. It has been another way of release for me. Not only has the classes been good for me, but also my choir director has been very understanding and was/is willing to help me whenever I need it. I am lucky to have him (and many, many other people) in my life. Without them, I would not be driven the way I am today.
Reason #3: All that I have lost. (And yet, in turn, all that I have gained.)
Agh, I have lost more than I ever thought possible.
I've lost hope. I've lost emotional, mental, physical, and even financial stability. I've lost compassion for the world. I've lost family members in many different ways. I've lost the one person I expected to be in my live on earth infinitely. I've lost my mind. I've just about lost it all, almost, even, my own life, from my own hands.
It's been a living hell. It's been horrible. I've wished many of times to change things, to go back, to fix mistakes, to undo the wrongs, to say more "I love you"s and be a better person, start over with a new life, new everything, just with the same soul. Much of these feelings have been intensified this semester. Not only this, but life here at Juniata kept going. It didn't stop for me to catch my breath. I had to keep going, and at first, I really didn't know how to.
There are many events in my life I could talk about that have added to my feelings, but Kat is the most fresh wound. I thought that September was going to be the hardest month to get through, and, at the time, it was. It was horrible. But November didn't get that much better. Maybe on the outside, I did. Physically, my body started resuming the normal schedule. I began to feel hunger again; I was able to laugh at jokes once more; I was able to forget for a while. But, ever since that day, September 15th, not a day has passed that I have not thought about her or cried about her or talked to her. It has been up and down ever since then. Sometimes I'm not so sure I'll ever heal from it. And, the worst part of it is that no one knows exactly what I've been going through. Although that's not their faults, it's just frustrating to see the looks on people's faces when I tell them that Kat was my niece. It's like it would matter more if she was my sister or daughter or something. No one realizes how close I felt to her. It pains me to think about how I will never talk or see or hear her again in person. I just miss her so much.
Years ago, I made a promise to her. It seemed like a good idea at the time, being we were both in middle school (definitely never want to live those years again for sure). The promise was that if she were to kill herself for some reason, I'd kill myself too (or if something happened to her, I would kill myself as well). She then made the same promise to me. That promise is still a big deal to me, and I know it shouldn't be. I feel like part of me has failed her.
After Kat died, my thoughts about suicide became unbearable. I thought about it all day and night. Even the little bit I slept, I dreamt about it. I couldn't get away. On one hand, I never wanted to ever think of suicide ever again; on the other hand, I wanted to be with Kat forever, which then brought me to think about what exactly I believe happens after someone dies, and etc. It got really deep and out of control fast, as you can see. To keep this from going on forever, I was essentially HIGHLY recommended to see the psychiatrist here in order to get put on some anti-depression medication.
I'm surprised it has taken me this long to be put on medication. I could've used it since elementary school, sadly. So, a big portion of this semester was spent trying to figure out which prescription was the best for me. It took a while, but I have seemed to find the right one for the moment.
Okay, positives out of the situation: I'm financially independent and able to figure out paying for college on my own (with the help of financial aid, scholarships, loans, financial aid people at college, and being a Resident Assistant that pays for room and board). I have an amazing girlfriend that has been, above all, my best friend and someone I can tell anything and everything and not feel bad about myself. I have learned/gained much more passion for people in the world. I appreciate the gift of life more than I ever have before. I appreciate the people I've gotten to know and be with, whether for a short amount of time or not. I'm able to help many different people because of my life experiences. I've become more adventurous with life and want to do many amazing, cool, and crazy things for Kat since she didn't get to do many things. Etc. Etc.
Through the darkness, I have seen the tiny gleam of light. The light is still tiny, but it is slowly growing and getting better. My hope is getting better, slowly but surely. I'm learning to cope with life and it's many twists and turns. Parts of me still wish some things were different, but I'm learning to deal with the fact that there's nothing I can do to change it.
It's been hard. I really can't believe I got through it. It was seriously looking grim for a while.
I maintain that there's a reason that I'm me and that I've gone through the things I have. Maybe these things are meant to be. I can't explain them, but instead, I'm going to follow my heart and my calling. I may not know what will happen, but I am a lot less afraid than I have been in the past. People do too much worrying and waiting than actually doing. We don't realize what we should have done until it's too late. I don't want that to be me. I will try my hardest not to let it.
To my professor of Gender and Conflict,
I am sorry that I, in some ways, have failed you. I have not given it my all. I want you to know that I had full intentions to work hard, and, in fact, I tried. I really did. I didn't rewrite things I said I would, and I didn't participate in class as much as I thought I would. I'm honestly afraid that I'm going to get a bad grade in this class.
But I want you to know something. I'm really serious when I say this. I have learned more in this class than in ANY class I have ever had before. I've learned things about myself and about Kat and about others that I never knew before. I was able to relate to the readings, to the class discussions, to the videos we watched in class, etc. Although I seemed distant at some points, I took everything in. I took it all into my heart, because more than ever gender AND conflict were so relevant in my life. They were in my face all the time. The class itself I used as a way to focus my feelings, whether it be simple sadness or building anger. I learned about the way I view things and handle situations. I have learned how to deal with myself and others and begin to move on. I can't even express how much I've learned. That, in itself, has been worth it all.
Thank you for being there for me when I came into your office confused at where to go and what to do next, jumble-minded. Thank you for being patient and for listening to me. Thanks for not only being there for me but also pushing me forward and challenging myself to figure out how to live again. It's been hard. It's been quite terrible. But it's been worth it.
Goodbye, semester, my friend and enemy. Let the next one be even more valuable.
Nikki.
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