Fall(-ing apart) Break.

Kat has been on my mind this entire break. There's been no way around that. You know, it's extremely hard to move on. It's also extremely hard to pick myself up and continue with life. I'm falling behind and it's horrid. Today, I wrote to Kat on her Facebook to get out my feelings. I thought I'd share it with you. To me, sharing means healing. Hopefully this helps.



"Well, since for some reason Facebook is letting me message you even though you're not here anymore, I'm going to take advantage of that. To begin, Kat I love you so much. Do you know how horrid of a choice you made? I'm not trying to be harsh, I just want you to understand how f*****g sad I am. I miss you SO much. Every single day. You've changed my life in the worst way possible. Just when I thought life couldn't get more confusing it happened. How am I supposed to move on from this? I just want to sit in a room and hope I die after not eating for days. But I can't. You know, the one thing you did do for me that has been good is show me how horrible suicide is. You knew I wanted to kill myself at one point, and I didn't think anyone would care. but now I know how serious suicide is and how it never should be an option for anyone to take. I wish you knew what I knew now. Of course, I'm still suicidal sometimes. But that happens.

Why didn't you talk to me? Why did you do this to me? Did you even care about me? I know I messed up. I know I didn't talk to you for a while. I know that's my fault. But why didn't you at least say what you were doing? Why didn't you say goodbye? I'm so hurt. Why didn't you write something? I'm going to wonder about this for the rest of my life. I swear, none of this is going to get easier for me. People don't realize how well I knew you. Hell, even Caroline [my girlfriend] doesn't fully understand. She thinks because we didn't talk too much that I only think that I knew you. But I didn't have to talk to you to know you. We're similar, I don't care what anyone says. Yes, we were different with our school grades and illegal stuff (tsk tsk), but our personalities and hearts were the same. I'll never know your kids because they won't exist. We won't get to age together and talk about getting older and do things together or party together and you'll never see my school and you'll never know my friends and you'll never see me happy or sad or anything ever again and it's not fair. It's not fair at all. I've cried almost every night over you. Why did you do this? Can you even read this? Do you know how i feel? God, Kat, send me a sign. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Please, help me. You created this mess. Please help me out of it. I'm begging you. I'm not going to make it without your help, and I know you want to see me succeed, don't you? I f*****g LOVE you. I hope you're in a better place now. I hope it's good. I love you. I love you. I love you."