I will be honest. I will be vulgar. I will be emotional. Please, if anyone is reading this, bare with me.
On Saturday, at 1:40 p.m. exactly, I received a phone call from my father. It was a weird time for him to call. I was very worried. I thought something happened to my grandparents or something. The information I actually received was the worst thing I've ever heard.
"Nik? I just wanted to call you and let you know that Kat committed suicide last night."
Kat was my niece. She was seventeen years old, turning eighteen in two months.
She hung herself with a bath robe around 2am the night prior. Her mom (my sister-in-law) found her the next morning when she was going to wake her up.
I lost it. I broke down. I swore. I said why over and over. I fell to the floor. I vomited.
Me and her were very similar in many ways. Despite looking very similar (even the short hair and boyish looks), we had the same sense of humor. We could always make each other laugh until it hurt. Although she lived in Louisiana and I lived in Pennsylvania, we grew up together, without a doubt. She would always tell me when she was sad, and I'd make her talk about it. I tried keeping her happy. She meant everything to me. I would have died for her, but now I've realized that she never wanted that. She wanted me to live for her, which I just couldn't see. I was so sad myself--I was blinded. Thank you for giving me my sight back, my sweet, sweet niece.
Seeing all the posts on Facebook, receiving all the messages and phone calls and texts from her friends, my old friends from home, my friends from here, and my family have been completely overwhelming. The thought of flying to her funeral this week makes me convulse with sadness. I don't know how I'll handle it. It was hard enough shopping for funeral clothes today with my mother.....for my young niece. She was a big part of me.
I know that she planned it, because the week of her death she was the happiest. She hung out with so many different friends, she talked to me numerous times, and she went to a back-to-school dance the night of her suicide. She messaged me and said she can't wait to see me again when she visits me soon. She wanted to go out with happy memories. I don't blame her.
That's right. I don't blame you, Katherine. You killed yourself because you thought no one loved you or cared about you or would accept you for who you were. You loved girls. That was just another reason we bonded. We understood each other. Our family has never been supportive. I know it was so hard for you. Your friends have been adding me on Facebook and messaging me to say how much you talked about me and said I was one of two family members who completely accepted you for who you were. I hope you know how honored I am. I tried so hard to be a role model for you. I told you I would never kill myself as long as you were with me. You know what? I'm still not going to kill myself, because you are still with me. I'm keeping everyone together.
And now, for all my family members who are in denial and still do not accept her: Kat did NOT pass away. She KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FEEL LOVED. SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE WAS A LESBIAN WHO WASN'T SURE IF SHE EVEN LIKED BEING A GIRL. SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T SEE LIFE GETTING BETTER FOR HER. SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE FELT TRAPPED AND UNABLE TO BE WHO SHE WANTED. SHE WANTED LOVE. SHE WANTED HOPE. I WASN'T ENOUGH FOR HER. SHE NEEDED MORE.
I'm not directly blaming everyone, but a lot could have been done to save her. Not enough people realized how bad she was until now. We, in some way, have all failed. However, I believe we can all live for her now and make up for it, in an unfortunately miserable way.
After I found out, I saw a rainbow here. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. She came to say goodbye and that she was happy now. I don't believe she went to Hell for what she did. I believe that she's better now, and that's all I can hope.
Kat, my twin. My best friend. My blood. I will never hurt myself again. I will be strong for you. These tears that have been rolling down my face for two days now are all for you. I wish our time on Earth didn't end this way. I would've loved to be able to Skype call you again, or see you in person. Going to your house this week will be even harder than I can imagine. I can't even imagine you not being there. It still feels so unreal.
Please, anyone reading this: REACH OUT TO PEOPLE WHO FEEL ALONE. TELL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS YOU LOVE THEM. I can't tell you how bad everything feels. I hope this never happens to anyone I know, and I wish this kind of stuff didn't happen at all.
Rest in Peace, you beautiful, PERFECT, talented, smart-ass, crazy niece.
Love from your "favorite aunt,"
Nikki.
On Saturday, at 1:40 p.m. exactly, I received a phone call from my father. It was a weird time for him to call. I was very worried. I thought something happened to my grandparents or something. The information I actually received was the worst thing I've ever heard.
"Nik? I just wanted to call you and let you know that Kat committed suicide last night."
Kat was my niece. She was seventeen years old, turning eighteen in two months.
She hung herself with a bath robe around 2am the night prior. Her mom (my sister-in-law) found her the next morning when she was going to wake her up.
I lost it. I broke down. I swore. I said why over and over. I fell to the floor. I vomited.
Me and her were very similar in many ways. Despite looking very similar (even the short hair and boyish looks), we had the same sense of humor. We could always make each other laugh until it hurt. Although she lived in Louisiana and I lived in Pennsylvania, we grew up together, without a doubt. She would always tell me when she was sad, and I'd make her talk about it. I tried keeping her happy. She meant everything to me. I would have died for her, but now I've realized that she never wanted that. She wanted me to live for her, which I just couldn't see. I was so sad myself--I was blinded. Thank you for giving me my sight back, my sweet, sweet niece.
Seeing all the posts on Facebook, receiving all the messages and phone calls and texts from her friends, my old friends from home, my friends from here, and my family have been completely overwhelming. The thought of flying to her funeral this week makes me convulse with sadness. I don't know how I'll handle it. It was hard enough shopping for funeral clothes today with my mother.....for my young niece. She was a big part of me.
I know that she planned it, because the week of her death she was the happiest. She hung out with so many different friends, she talked to me numerous times, and she went to a back-to-school dance the night of her suicide. She messaged me and said she can't wait to see me again when she visits me soon. She wanted to go out with happy memories. I don't blame her.
That's right. I don't blame you, Katherine. You killed yourself because you thought no one loved you or cared about you or would accept you for who you were. You loved girls. That was just another reason we bonded. We understood each other. Our family has never been supportive. I know it was so hard for you. Your friends have been adding me on Facebook and messaging me to say how much you talked about me and said I was one of two family members who completely accepted you for who you were. I hope you know how honored I am. I tried so hard to be a role model for you. I told you I would never kill myself as long as you were with me. You know what? I'm still not going to kill myself, because you are still with me. I'm keeping everyone together.
And now, for all my family members who are in denial and still do not accept her: Kat did NOT pass away. She KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FEEL LOVED. SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE WAS A LESBIAN WHO WASN'T SURE IF SHE EVEN LIKED BEING A GIRL. SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T SEE LIFE GETTING BETTER FOR HER. SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE SHE FELT TRAPPED AND UNABLE TO BE WHO SHE WANTED. SHE WANTED LOVE. SHE WANTED HOPE. I WASN'T ENOUGH FOR HER. SHE NEEDED MORE.
I'm not directly blaming everyone, but a lot could have been done to save her. Not enough people realized how bad she was until now. We, in some way, have all failed. However, I believe we can all live for her now and make up for it, in an unfortunately miserable way.
After I found out, I saw a rainbow here. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. She came to say goodbye and that she was happy now. I don't believe she went to Hell for what she did. I believe that she's better now, and that's all I can hope.
Kat, my twin. My best friend. My blood. I will never hurt myself again. I will be strong for you. These tears that have been rolling down my face for two days now are all for you. I wish our time on Earth didn't end this way. I would've loved to be able to Skype call you again, or see you in person. Going to your house this week will be even harder than I can imagine. I can't even imagine you not being there. It still feels so unreal.
Please, anyone reading this: REACH OUT TO PEOPLE WHO FEEL ALONE. TELL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS YOU LOVE THEM. I can't tell you how bad everything feels. I hope this never happens to anyone I know, and I wish this kind of stuff didn't happen at all.
Rest in Peace, you beautiful, PERFECT, talented, smart-ass, crazy niece.
Love from your "favorite aunt,"
Nikki.
From left to right: my niece Bailey, Me, and Kat
Me and Kat: July, 2011
Kat: September 1st, 2012.
Words can never express. I fucking love you. Forever.
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